working so hard for this love of mine

So, I'm interviewing for a . . . wait for it . . . THIRD job today. I work as a lawyer by day and, some weeknights and Sundays, I work retail at The Container Store (I'm not afraid to name it because I love working there so much).

Now, I know that there are people who are all, "You're a LAWYER! Why do you need an additional job? You make bank!" Ah, let me explain a few things:

1. I have an in-house counsel position at a private company. This means no big-law-firm hours, boredom, or billable hours. This also means that my starting salary was well below the 6 figures that those people make.
2. I was involved in a car accident that wasn't my fault over a year and a half ago - way before I had planned on buying a car. So, instead of having no car payment, I have a $300 car payment each month that came suddenly - and was unbudgeted. I'm suing the guy for my personal injury claim, but the wheels of "justice" move very slowly indeed.
3. I went to a private law school. This means, yay, small classes and an excellent legal writing program, but, BOOOOO, horrible law school debt. My student loan payments are second only to rent.

Those things combined - mainly the car accident - make things a little to close for comfort for me financially.

So, I started looking for a part-time job about a year or so ago. My boss made calls trying to get me some contract work with a few of the larger firms that we use. No luck. I applied for a bunch of places, including TCS, and got no hits. At Christmastime I tried the job search again and got a job at Macy's (I'm not afraid to name it because I HATED working there so much). WORST JOB EVER. (Except maybe the preschool nursery worker...) Then TCS called and offered me a seasonal position and I was so elated I quit Macy's OVER THE PHONE VIA VOICEMAIL - and felt REALLY GOOD ABOUT IT. After the season was over, TCS offered me a part-time spot. Which brings me to present-day.

Anyway, my day-time boss has slowly developed a hatred for my second job and recently made a comment to an outside attorney that he wanted me to find a "legal" job as a part time job so that I could give up my TCS job. I got a call yesterday for an opportunity to do some contract work.

I'm really excited about it (and hope that I look nice enough) - it will be doing different types of research, document review, and legal writing surrounding some foodborne illness and waterborne illness cases. As a biology major, I am completely geeking out and am really looking forward to starting. I have no idea, however, the going rate...

All that aside, I think I'm going to try and make all 3 jobs work out together - TCS is such a nice escape for me in so many ways.

Plus, I want to hang on to my discount as long as possible - or at least until I buy a house and redo the closets, garage, pantry, and everything else I can organize with elfa.

loving you laters, if at all

It's a pretty well-known fact that I develop crushes easily. And don't you love the word, "crush?" How perfectly it describes the feeling? Maybe it's just me.

Anyway, I have a crush on a guy at the allergy clinic where I get shots twice a week. He's adorable - he's tall, has a nice voice, a great smile, and dark, curly hair... and he gives the best shots. Seriously - he's got a good technique.

It's just hilarious to me how these crushes work - I know that he's 26, his (first) name is Matt, and he clearly has steady employment at the clinic. We've talked a few times, but never more than, say, 5 minutes at a time.

What I'm trying to say is that I hardly know the guy, but he can get me all flustered and giggly the moment that I see him. I get mad/sad when he's not the person who gives me my shots. It also makes my day when he "skips" a person to give me my shots. And it's more than just what he looks like (he's no Clive Owen), but I have no idea what it is.

Each time I get my shots, it's a reminder that I need those butterflies. I need the ease to blush when I'm around someone. I need to feel like I'm back in gradeschool every now and then. Those things are important as part of a bigger package to me.

And I deserve to fall in love with someone, butterflies and all.

pretty pictures in a magazine

I went and looked at another house last night - CLEARLY owned by a bachelor (I mean, he had an entire room dedicated to video games and another entire room dedicated to a drum set) who didn't count on me looking behind the shower curtain in the hall bathroom (hello, three pairs of shoes, cleaning supplies, and a box of junk!). I enjoyed talking with the realtor - she was very nice and we had a good conversation about renovations and the general areas that I'm exploring. Part of me thinks that I should just put off the househunting for now and part of me thinks I just need to get off my butt and start using a realtor (and start over with a new lender) to find a gem.

I think I have pretty much abandoned the thought of a townhome or condo. I want a house. I want a yard. I don't want to share any walls with anyone. I don't want to pay association fees. I want to take on the responsibility of a home and accept that there are risks that come with that. I want a place that is truly my own. To be honest, I also think that a part of it is that I don't think I should be renting - at my age or at this point in my life in general - I should be building equity.

And then, because it's so frustrating, I choose to actively ignore the entire situation.

lalalalalalala...

want to make it better, better so bad

So, this weekend was a real stinker.

Saturday, I spent the morning feeling like crap and looking at houses that were (for the most part) disappointments.

Let me take a moment here to digress... househunting sucks. I can't afford to live where I want to, and I can't afford the kind of house that I really want (which, seriously, I don't need bells and whistles - I need 3 bedrooms (or 2 with a bonus room/office), 2 bathrooms, that's been relatively taken care of and not in need of any major system overhaul), and I had to deal with an agent who wouldn't listen to me. I finally feel like all of my ties to the crappy agent are severed and am going to work with someone who comes with a personal recommendation, so I hope things turn out better. There just have to be some deals out there...

Okay, back to Saturday - I started feeling worse as the morning went on and had to pull out of a shopping trip only to collapse, with a mild fever, into a HARD sleep. One of those where you wake up forgetting where you are. Ugh.

Sunday morning was spent doing house drive-bys of about 6 houses, none of which I loved but a few might have potential. They still aren't in the area I want to live, so I feel like I should hold out - why should I settle? Nothing says I can't rent longer and save up some more money - there's no pressure for me to move, but I am SO TIRED of renting. I want to be building equity. (I'm not even going to START a discussion about my financial situation...)

After looking at houses, I went to a townhome community a little further south than I want to be. I'm still not sold on the condo/townhome idea, but I feel like I should keep the option open. Why? I don't know.

That made me a few minutes late for work. Work that involved loading cars in TORRENTIAL rain. Work that lasted an hour and a half longer than expected, giving me a headache from not eating in so long. So I made a sandwich and I think it sat like a brick in my tummy because I ate so late. Which resulted in my not sleeping well.

And this week is going to be crazy - I am going to be out of the state on vacation with the parents next week and the preparations for my parents staying at my place combined with work combined with the zillions of errands I need to run this week (including taking all 3 cats to the vet at the same time - a feat never attempted before) may kill me.

Needless to say, the dates will have to wait until I get back from vacation. Maybe I can fit in a haircut...

I'm faking it 'til I'm pseudo making it

Well, I got responses from two of my eHarmony matches, A and N. Sounds like A is busy for the next few days and N is ready to go out now. I don't know why the mere idea that I could be going on a date soon is already making me feel uncomfortable. It's been so long since I've been on a date, it's not even funny.

And one thing I really don't like about myself, or really my approach to the future me, is that I don't think I'll be a happy old single lady. Maybe I'll surprise myself, but I really crave emotional intimacy.

But I'm still up for a wing in a retirement home with my fellow (at least currently) single friends. Daily wine tastings, pool boys to look at, and all the cats we can smuggle in. That really doesn't sound so bad after all...

it's only a matter of time before we all burn

So, an update on the eHarmony front... but, first, let me explain the process.

1. The eHarmony experts/gurus/whatevers send you matches.
2. You review the match profile, which is about 10 items, including general facts about his personality and a broad overview of his interests. You can also look at pictures, if he's posted any. (SIDENOTE TO SINGLE MEN ON eHARMONY: only answering 3 questions and not posting pictures is not a way to get ANYONE to respond to you. That's akin to striking up a conversation with a stranger in an alley. Wait, you can see what the stranger looks like, so it may be worse. TAKE TEN MINUTES, ANSWER THE QUESTIONS, AND POST SOME PICTURES.) You can close the match based on what you see (like, his 2 year-old son is his soul mate) or move forward...
3. You pick 5 mulitple-choice questions from a provided list to send to him and he does the same. You can close the match or move forward...
4. If you like the answers, you both swap your must-haves/can't-stands - a list that you select from a provided list. You can close the match or move forward...
5. You pick 3 short-answer questions from a provided list or you can make up your own to send him and he does the same. You can close the match or move forward...
6. Then, you're in open communication territory, where you start emailing directly.

So, that being said, I made it through the short-answer questions before a guy I was kind of excited about closed our match. I have no idea why. You're allowed to send a final message (from a provided list) to the person that closes a match, so I did that. But I'm bummed. Rejection online is still rejection.

And I finally sent short messages to 3 guys that were at the open communication point. I'm not super-excited about any of them. We'll see what happens.

oh, my talking bird

So, I had a doctor's appointment this morning because my anti-anxiety medicine was switched over and he's been having me come in every few months to see how things are going. I haven't had what I thought of as a migraine since starting the medication and I'm much more evened-out when it comes to the physical manifestations of my anxiety. I still go through cycles when I need to be in constant motion, I chew on the inside of my cheek, and I pick at my fingers, but they aren't as bad as they used to be.

But my doctor said something near the end of the visit that struck me: "I think that the patterns of behavior and the anxiousness has always been there; that's just Susan." And it's so true.

Does that mean I won't ever be "normal," that I'll always be screwed up?

Would I want it to be any different?

you gotta spend some time with me

So, I'm on eHarmony. I gave up on Match when I discovered that I only attracted perverts who were more interested in phone/email sex or seeing how much money I would loan them (um, none). I find the internet dating scene so impersonal and really don't like it, but there aren't many ways to casually bump into people anymore - at least to me. I tend to be shy in social situations and have no idea how to seriously hit on someone.

Anyway, so I haven't really been to impressed so far with my suggested matches. (Side note to single men: if you're looking for a gal, don't mention Jesus Christ your personal Savior more than once in your initial profile and NEVER refer to your two year-old son as your SOUL MATE. Seriously.) There are a handful of guys that I'm communicating with via the eHarmony questions back and forth, and I have two that have reached "open communication" and I have no idea what to say in an email to these, well, strangers. It's back to me feeling awkward.

I need to get over some of that awkwardness soon or I really will become a crazy cat lady.

place them in a box until a quieter time

So. I'm trying to get back on my non-diet. You know, the one that's not really a diet, but a "life change." It's so hard, though because I have an emotional attachment to food. Stressed? Bury it in cheese. Happiness? Reward it with ice cream. Sad? Smother it in carbs.

While I'm overweight, I don't have any major health problems that a lot of overweight people have - and that gives me a perfect excuse to remain lazy and eat whatever I want. And it means that I have to dig deep and find my own motivation to do something about it.

I've never been happy with my body. I can't remember a time that I liked what I saw when I looked in the mirror - in fact, I have no idea what that would even feel like. I bet it's amazing. I want that feeling. And I want to stop using a poor body image as an excuse not to do things that I would like to do.

But then I also feel like I should be able to accept myself the way I am. Screw those guys who aren't interested because I'm not thin enough - I wouldn't want to date them, anyway. While that's true, I think that my outside should match how great I am on the inside. Plus, we all judge books (and people) by their covers and, to that extent, I am being judged by my appearance.

It's just hard to stay motivated - I can get the first few weeks and then I self-sabotage.

So I'm going to try harder. Starting today.

if I stay, it ain't gonna be easy

Part of my job that I really enjoy is that I get to do a lot of different things - but that also leads to a feeling of never being truly caught up. That's pretty much the story of my life: the things that I enjoy also manage to stress me out.

I've always been an over-achiever and a bit of a perfectionist, pretty much from birth, and I naturally put a lot of stress on myself. If you know anything about the Enneagram personality types, I'm a 6 with equal 7 and 5 wings, otherwise known as The Loyalist. I'm not a big proponent of personality tests, but I am a BELIEVER in this one.

To give you a little insight into my head:

Type Six in Brief
The committed, security-oriented type. Sixes are reliable, hard-working, responsible, and trustworthy. Excellent "troubleshooters," they foresee problems and foster cooperation, but can also become defensive, evasive, and anxious—running on stress while complaining about it. They can be cautious and indecisive, but also reactive, defiant and rebellious. They typically have problems with self-doubt and suspicion. At their Best: internally stable and self-reliant, courageously championing themselves and others.

Basic Fear: Of being without support and guidance
Basic Desire: To have security and support

Enneagram Six with a Five-Wing: "The Defender"
Enneagram Six with a Seven-Wing: "The Buddy"

Key Motivations: Want to have security, to feel supported by others, to have certitude and reassurance, to test the attitudes of others toward them, to fight against anxiety and insecurity.

When moving in their Direction of Disintegration (stress), dutiful Sixes suddenly become competitive and arrogant at Three. However, when moving in their Direction of Integration (growth), fearful, pessimistic Sixes become more relaxed and optimistic, like healthy Nine.

Type Six Overview
Of all the personality types, Sixes are the most loyal to their friends and to their beliefs. They will “go down with the ship” and hang on to relationships of all kinds far longer than most other types. Sixes are also loyal to ideas, systems, and beliefs—even to the belief that all ideas or authorities should be questioned or defied. Indeed, not all Sixes go along with the “status quo”: their beliefs may be rebellious and anti-authoritarian, even revolutionary. In any case, they will typically fight for their beliefs more fiercely than they will fight for themselves, and they will defend their community or family more tenaciously than they will defend themselves.

The reason Sixes are so loyal to others is that they do not want to be abandoned and left without support—their Basic Fear. Thus, the central issue for type Six is a failure of self-confidence. Sixes come to believe that they do not possess the internal resources to handle life’s challenges and vagaries alone, and so increasingly rely on structures, allies, beliefs, and supports outside themselves for guidance to survive. If suitable structures do not exist, they will help create and maintain them.

If you are interested in taking the (LONG) test, I have the materials and can type you based on the results. Because I don't tend to be very introspective, it was an eye-opening experience for me. I think was rings truest is this:

Until they can get in touch with their own inner guidance, Sixes are like a ping-pong ball that is constantly shuttling back and forth between whatever influence is hitting the hardest in any given moment. Because of this reactivity, no matter what we say about Sixes, the opposite is often also as true. They are both strong and weak, fearful and courageous, trusting and distrusting, defenders and provokers, sweet and sour, aggressive and passive, bullies and weaklings, on the defensive and on the offensive, thinkers and doers, group people and soloists, believers and doubters, cooperative and obstructionistic, tender and mean, generous and petty—and on and on. It is the contradictory picture that is the characteristic “fingerprint” of Sixes, the fact that they are a bundle of opposites.

The biggest problem for Sixes is that they try to build safety in the environment without resolving their own emotional insecurities. When they learn to face their anxieties, however, Sixes understand that although the world is always changing and is, by nature uncertain, they can be serene and courageous in any circumstance. And they can attain the greatest gift of all, a sense of peace with themselves despite the uncertainties of life.

I have never been able to trust my own inner voice and it's something that I have been working on since my medication has been adjusted. It's SO HARD to do after a lifetime of not trusting in myself, but I realize that my parents won't be around forever to be my own decision-making committee and I need to TRUST MYSELF. I am not stupid and, deep down, I know what to do.

Right?

First Post!

So, I decided to start a blog. Something separate from my LiveJournal. Something I am going to try to post to daily.

It's mostly for me, but maybe there will be people who read it and can get some inspiration/motivation/entertainment from my posts as I have from reading the blogs of others.

We shall see...