what a match

Oh, and my rat is back - as of Friday night. I know this because Friday night is when Baer loudly chest-bumped the window (I swear, if he gains another pound or two, he will be able to break that window).

Let me explain how I have justified the existence of the rat and the fact that I am, in essence, feeding him:

• He has defeated poison and I refuse to set any sort of trap.
• I have changed the type of seed and the type of feeder and have zero (or close to zero) birdseed waste.
• I have been traveling too much to keep up with taking the feeder in at nights and won't take it down while I'm gone because the birds are dependent on the food.
• Maybe the rat is dependent on the food.
• He is not living on my porch, he's only visiting.
• He's not bothering anything on my porch except the feeder itself - he jumps directly onto it to eat.
• He's not trying to get into my apartment - and, maybe by keeping food outside, he will not want to come inside looking for food.
• Rats are squirrel-adjacent animals and I would feed a squirrel.
• He's a mammal and I anthropomorphize mammals to some extent.

See how easy that is?

I'm a loose bolt of a complete machine

I survived flying to Denver - and back home again, despite some pretty serious snow. I also attempted to snowboard - and had a blast. I'm going to have to seriously look into lessons...

I went home this weekend to help my mother with a dinner that we had with friends of the family, a married couple (K&B) and K's mom. It was fun, except for the fact that there were issues with EVERYTHING that I was responsible for. I made a cranberry-pecan loaf for K&B that was uncooked in the center (meaning I'm going to have to re-bake it before I go home this week), hidden pear salad that had some lumps in it (which wasn't a HUGE deal), dinner rolls that chose to not rise all day (but they did manage to get rise just in time), a cheese ball that I covered with slivered almonds that got completely screwed up on it's way out of the fridge (it did taste good, though), sausage balls that needed twice as long to cook as the recipe stated, and about a half of pitcher of tea that was brewed onto the counter when the pitcher got moved by accident. And my father refused to stop talking about politics with B when mom and K and I left the table, leaving K's mom there with him ranting - even when all of us asked him to pick another topic. Repeatedly. And he yelled at me and acted like a complete jerk when mom and I talked about my sister's current situation at the table - which did not go over well with me. Other than that, it was a nice evening.

Speaking of my sister, I think that my parents (well, to be fair, it's more my mom than my dad, but he flip-flops) have decided to give her a real ultimatum: do X or get out of the house by February 1 and all of the financial/emotional/childcare/transportation help ends. There has been a financially-motivated argument brewing between my mom and my sister for about a week or so, and things came to a head this weekend - and were brought up a few notches when we saw my older nephew (who was suspended from his disciplinary school for the past week) WITH FRIENDS in NORMAL CLOTHES (his room was supposed to be stripped of everything except school-approved uniforms) OUT seeing the Budweiser Clydesdales (which are AMAZING, by the way) and SPENDING MONEY. And he acted like an asshole to us in front of his friends. We (mom and dad and I) are always made out to be the bad guys and my sister wants to be his friend more than his mother.

So, I think Christmas will definitely be just me and my parents. And I'm done talking to my sister and giving her advice when she refuses to listen to any of it. I spent an hour at her house trying to talk some sense into her about the situation with mom and about my older nephew and I'm done. I'm also not going to contact the judge about my older nephew's upcoming court appearance, mostly because I feel like my sister's parenting (or lack thereof) has contributed to - not caused, but contributed to - his behavior problems. She needs to bear some of the responsibility, so let her speak for herself. And let her - FINALLY - suffer ALL of the consequences of her actions - - I think that's what will happen if she moves out, at least for a while. She's never been independent or really on her own. Even when she was married to jackASS, she had my parents to rely on for money and support.

If she moves out, which is what it's looking like, I think there will be long-term effects on the familial unit. I don't know... maybe that's not such a bad thing.

down on my knees

I fly to Denver today. And I had been so impressed with myself because I haven't been obsessing about the flight AT ALL. Until this morning. Because it is raining AND there is a tornado watch until 3:00 this afternoon. My flight leaves at 4:10. So now I am nervous.

Plus, I had trouble with Delta's site yesterday while trying to check in - first, it wouldn't accept my online payment for having to check a bag (why we don't get a free bag anymore is beyond me) and then, when I changed my seat to one that I am STILL unsure about whether it has a window (because it's an exit row) I couldn't change it back to my original seat because it wasn't available anymore. So now I'm worried that, once again, I'll be in a window seat with no window. (Which reminds me that I need to find my Dramamine when I finish up my packing.)

Couple all of that angst with the fact that I'm not done packing, and you get me in my current state of ball-of-nerves.

it gets harder to bloom

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells lately; I don't feel completely stable. I know part of it is that I need a good cry - I need to just take the time to watch a sad movie and cry, cry, cry. I know part of it is the weather making me feel lonely. I know part of it is the turmoil that my sister and her offspring tend to inject into the family mix (Z has "run away" from home a few times for a few hours and even coming home in handcuffs and leg shackles - and being told by the policeman that his mother can legally "kick his ass" - hasn't seemed to make any difference at all). I know part of it is that I need a vacation. I know a part of it is that I never feel financially secure. So, it's all of these little parts adding up to a very big something. Crying won't fix it, but I think it will take the edge off.

In other news, I'm heading to Denver tomorrow for a few days of training (me training other people) and, hopefully, some snowboarding with a co-worker out there. I'm not a very good skier and have been told that snowboarding may come to me more easily. I'm not so sure, but we shall see.

My boss has been in a terrible mood, so I'm just going to try to stay out of his way today and sneak in a listen to the leaked Fall Out Boy album.

only bringin' me down

It's been over a month since I posted anything. Not that I haven't started posts and then deleted them...

This time of year always makes me feel very lonely - the cold weather, the early darkness. I love it, but it makes me sad. Which has added to the ease of my current weight gain. I think that I'd rather eat and not exercise and stay fat because it's a tangible reason that I can point to as a reason that I'm single. Nobody wants to date a fat girl, right? THAT's why I'm single and not dating and lonely a lot of the time. There's a sad comfort in setting expectations low and I'm really struggling with that right now.

But it's starting to bleed over into other aspects of my daily life and I really need to do something about it. I don't like the extra weight. I don't like the way I look in clothes. I don't like teaching classes and being up in front of people when I'm preoccupied with how uncomfortable my pants are or whether my gut is obvious in my shirt.

The thing is, I don't know what it's going to take to snap myself out of what has been developing over the majority of my life.

So, I'll just change the subject.

My sister's children are still on their way to becoming horrible men. Thanksgiving was an exercise in restraint for me - restraint from killing them both or causing serious bodily harm to them. My younger nephew (who just turned 14) thinks that the rules never apply to him and believes that if he tries to get physical, that he can scare everyone into leaving him alone to do whatever he wants to do. My older nephew (who turns 16 in a few months) thinks that he knows everything and should be able to have whatever he wants, whenever he wants, even if that means stealing it. Oh, and he's only broken a rule if he gets caught - and it's only a bad thing if he gets caught.

Not that my sister doesn't have her share of the blame - she's a bad role model, she coddles them, and she makes excuses for them all of the time. And she did marry a current fugitive from justice (see his wanted poster at http://www.fbi.gov/wanted/fugitives/cac/poteat_ja.htm - call ME, then the FBI, if you see him).

But that doesn't mean that their behavior is "excusable." No, they have my parents as role models in their DAILY lives. They also know right from wrong - they just don't care.

Thank goodness my cats can't cause that kind of frustration.