So, I was in bed last night, exhausted from a long day at work and TCS, ready to sleep because I had gotten a "nice job" on the abstract that I fretted over for 3 days, relaxed with Rooney curled up by my side, and I turned off the light. And for some reason I could not stop thinking about a conversation that I had with my mother earlier.
I've never had "daddy" issues. But my dad has been changing (or showing his true self?) over the past year and a half (or so) and the recent vacation really... hurt. He made me feel bad a lot - about myself (about having motion sickness for God's sake), about him and his sour loner personality.
Back to the conversation with my mother. We recently lost a fairly distant relative on my mother's side of the family that we found only a few years ago. The family didn't contact any of us to let us know. My mother was talking to his wife and she told my mother that they had a silly thing that they would do - she'd ask him, "Are you my baby?" and he would reply, "Your big baby." Silly, right? But so sweet. And those were their last words exchanged - his last words.
And I couldn't get that out of my head last night and slowly started to cry and cry and cry harder.
My mother was saying that she always wanted a husband who was sweet and that she felt truly, deeply loved her and now she's realizing that my father is never going to be that. And he continues to fall into patterns of behavior that he shouldn't after 43 years of marriage.
And it's seeping - no, spilling - into his relationship with me. He didn't want me to be on vacation this past week. He told my mother that. I blame his upbringing with cold parents for a lot of it, but I really thought that we, his own family, had given him something that he longed for. But maybe it just made him uncomfortable and he's getting to old to cover it up any more.
I don't know. There's no real point to this other than I'm really struggling with all of this right now. It makes me sad and makes me wonder how he really feels about me. And if I'll ever be able to find someone that will be my "big baby."
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Dad issues suck. I have learned to accept that every once in a while I get something decent from my dad (emotionally) but most of the time the relationship is non-existent. Do I (did I) deserve more? Hell yes. But I didn't get it. And it's OK to feel bad about it. But I also need to accept that he is doing all he can. He just can't love.
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