it cannot wait

I (apparently) have a lot on my chest today.

I went through my new matches on eHarmony and only opened communication with one of seven. I got a message from one person that I had been in email communication with ("open communication" - the last monitored step) saying that he's dating someone. There are 4 other guys that I have in "open communication" - 1 I'm not excited about, 1 who's not excited about me, 1 that is in the middle of travelling for work a lot, and 1 that has my (outside) email and phone number for a week but hasn't used either.

Maybe online dating isn't for me. I guess "dating" is a stretch since I haven't actually been on a date yet...

Maybe I'm just not meant to find anybody - maybe it's my life lesson. If so, it's very upsetting.

born in the USA

So, it's been a bit since I posted... yet, not much has changed.

What's been bothering me lately is politics. For some reason, this election has made a lot of people consider the election and surrounding issues so incredibly personal that I haven't been able to have a civil discussion with very many people.

I guess I should say here that I am a McCain supporter. Does that mean I agree with everything that he's ever done? No. Does it mean I agree with him more than I agree with Obama? Yes. Do I let the fact that BOTH of them have picked candidates that I don't love affect the way that I view them? NO.

I'm so sick of the anti-Palin sentiment I could scream. Anti-Palins should take a long listen to their man Biden and pay attention to how many times he MAKES UP HISTORY. Does that make it into the mainstream media? No. What does? Palin saying that Alaska's proximity to Russia and Canada gives her international experience.

And, forgive me if you think I'm out of line by bringing up the fact that Obama doesn't have much political experience himself, but that's the truth. I may agree with him with regard to some of the issues, but I don't know if he has what it takes to come through to ACT on those even if he does get into office. He doesn't seem to have the same amount of pull in Washington as McCain does. He also doesn't have a history of working across the aisle like McCain, which I think is important.

I guess it all boils down to the next President for me - not the Vice President. (Insert joke about how McCain has one foot in the grave here.) And John McCain, a man I have great respect for, is a hero and I think he's the person that can put the country on the right track.

Maybe venting that little bit will help my blood pressure today...

let me down? you say, never.

So, I was out of work yesterday because Rooney was sick. And, apparently, my boss went ballistic about it. "It's a cat."

It's my cat. An extension of my family. I don't expect people to agree with how I feel, but I do expect them to understand. Understand and not ask me TWICE if I plan to take a vacation day for yesterday. Understand and not perform a slight eyeroll after asking how "the kitty cat" is doing. Understand and not be a jackass because I work hard and put in extra hours and take my work with me on vacation. Understand that, even if it's completely unreasonable, it's the WAY THAT I FEEL.

I was really scared Sunday night and yesterday. Rooney has had health problems relating to his stomatitis (and, more recently, allergies - maybe he's allergic to people?), but he's never been like this - he was coughing like a person and sneezing and he was extremely lethargic and winced whenever I would touch him. I knew that I was probably overreacting, but I never would have stayed home with him and harassed his vet if I didn't think that there was a serious problem.

And it was serious enough, I think, to react the way I did; Rooney has a viral upper respiratory infection. I'm monitoring him to make sure that it doesn't evolve into something else, especially given his immune system problems, and I'm treating his symptoms as best I can. He's about the same as yesterday - no better, but no worse. But I'm at work today because I'm fairly certain that he will be alive when I get home - a certainty I didn't have yesterday.

Ugh.

That being said, I had a really good weekend. I saw the Indigo Girls live for the first time at Chastain - which is a fabulous venue. I have loved the Indigo Girls for as long as I can remember listening to music and ended up crying at several points because I was so filled with absolute joy that I couldn't manage to hold it in. It was heavenly sitting there with two of my friends listening to wonderful music under a clear night sky (and an almost-full moon)... I'm smiling just thinking about it.

I need more of those times.

fathers be good to your daughters

So, I was in bed last night, exhausted from a long day at work and TCS, ready to sleep because I had gotten a "nice job" on the abstract that I fretted over for 3 days, relaxed with Rooney curled up by my side, and I turned off the light. And for some reason I could not stop thinking about a conversation that I had with my mother earlier.

I've never had "daddy" issues. But my dad has been changing (or showing his true self?) over the past year and a half (or so) and the recent vacation really... hurt. He made me feel bad a lot - about myself (about having motion sickness for God's sake), about him and his sour loner personality.

Back to the conversation with my mother. We recently lost a fairly distant relative on my mother's side of the family that we found only a few years ago. The family didn't contact any of us to let us know. My mother was talking to his wife and she told my mother that they had a silly thing that they would do - she'd ask him, "Are you my baby?" and he would reply, "Your big baby." Silly, right? But so sweet. And those were their last words exchanged - his last words.

And I couldn't get that out of my head last night and slowly started to cry and cry and cry harder.

My mother was saying that she always wanted a husband who was sweet and that she felt truly, deeply loved her and now she's realizing that my father is never going to be that. And he continues to fall into patterns of behavior that he shouldn't after 43 years of marriage.

And it's seeping - no, spilling - into his relationship with me. He didn't want me to be on vacation this past week. He told my mother that. I blame his upbringing with cold parents for a lot of it, but I really thought that we, his own family, had given him something that he longed for. But maybe it just made him uncomfortable and he's getting to old to cover it up any more.

I don't know. There's no real point to this other than I'm really struggling with all of this right now. It makes me sad and makes me wonder how he really feels about me. And if I'll ever be able to find someone that will be my "big baby."

this kind of trouble's only just begun

Ever since I've changed anti-anxiety medications, I am more in tune with my inner dialogue. Part of that is good, and part of that is bad. Part of the bad is that I can feel when I'm dipping into a funk.

I feel it coming on.

his head was a city of paper buildings and the echoes that remain

I'm very scattered lately. I can't seem to stay focused at work or at home. I'm not sure what's up, but I feel like I'm on the edge of being overwhelmed, when there really isn't anything vastly different in my life...

• I enjoy my job, but I have to admit that coming back from vacation to a PILE of work (on a MONDAY) was a bit stressful.
• My vacation wasn't all happiness, sleeping late, and sunshine, but I had a good time overall (and am now entertaining fantasies of moving to South Dakota and raising buffalo with prairie dogs in my front yard... if only I didn't have those law school student loans)
• I have the new part-time job (and a deadline tomorrow on a frustrating project), so there is always a bit of anxiousness in working out a relationship with a new boss, learning his style, getting the communication down, and learning how to use some new tools.
• I need to straighten out (consolidate?) some bills, but those have been around for a long time, with the exception of the vet bills, some travel expenses, and the upcoming vet dental bill.
• TCS is starting to feel the impact of the economy problems, but the new part-time job should fill in the gap (and, hopefully, then some).
• I need to start up my house hunt again, now that I've let some time pass (and a bit of the frustration with it), but I still don't really have any pressure to move by a certain date. Part of that is starting over with a mortgage company, which I DO dread, but I need to just get over that.
• Speaking of dates, I need to get in touch with 3 eHarmony matches and possibly set some dates up for next week.

I think it all boils down to my becoming more organized in my time management. I'm not as structured as I need to be with my time and I end up stressing myself out because I'd rather nap on Saturday afternoons than catch up my laundry and I'd rather read a book than sit down and organize my long-term finances.

That, and, FOR THE UMPTEEN-HUNDREDTH TIME, I really need to build exercise into my daily routine and lose some weight.

I need to just stop being "selfish" (interpret as LAZY) about my free time and focus on making myself a better ME.

when the silence fades away

I spent last week in South Dakota - a family vacation with my parents. My dad has been changing over the past few years in negative ways and some of that came to a head over the week. That, combined with the fact that I couldn't be an approved driver on the rental car meant that I didn't get any real time to myself. I felt crowded. And in the middle of a mess that I couldn't fix.

South Dakota, however, was beautiful and perfect. I got to geek out appreciating the geology, chemistry, and biology (I so love prairie dogs) of the area. I was taken aback by how patriotic I felt looking up at Mt. Rushmore - and the guilt I felt when confronted with the real history of the American Indians and their treatment. I was comforted by how small I felt standing next to Devil's Tower (yes, it's technically in Wyoming, but it was part of the trip) and walking trails in the Badlands. I was soothed by the silence in Custer State Park, Wind Cave, and the Black Hills. I'd like to go back. By myself.

I'm not ready to be back at work, back to the worries, back to the noise and chaos.