Well, hello there...

Jeepers! Has it been YEARS? Oh, Susan, how lame thou art.

I promise to come back within a few days - for the free therapy, if nothing else.

why

I've been really bad about posting, mostly because I am in a complete and total funk. I talked to my doctor about it and he suggested therapy. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but if it gets me out of this depression that I've been wallowing in since around November, I guess I need to try it.

To add to my negative and self-destructive sad feelings, I have lost a whopping 3.5 pounds after doing the Nutrisystem thing for about a month. Have I been perfect? No. But I expected better results than that. My caloric intake at least 5 days of every 7 has got to be around 600 calories - sleeping should balance that out.

My house-hunting is about as positive as my dating prospects right now. I found a cute house that I fear is too far south for the commute to not drive me batty. I renewed eHarmony for another month because I have a handful of people that are close to the "let's meet" stage - nothing incredibly exciting, but at least some prospects.

I am cash-strapped like I never thought I would be again - credit cards are up, savings is down (including the bulk of the money that I need for a downpayment on a house). I need to look at getting a small loan to try and consolidate things and put some money back in savings. Just what I need - another loan. Way to be financially responsible.

And the economy sucks, which means I worry about the stability of my job - like everyone else these days.

It's all so overwhelming.

oh my gosh I cannot be bothered with this

So, my mother told me that she was coming to stay with me for the two weeks leading up to our California vacation. She told me AS SHE WAS GETTING OFF OF THE INTERSTATE AT MY EXIT. Things have actually been really good and I'm getting spoiled having someone cooking - and cleaning - for me. It's also helped me get out of what was becoming a crippling bout of depression.

Another plus is that it's MUCH easier to eat well (I don't want to call it a diet) and exercise with someone else there staring at your fat face. I have found a DVD that kicked my butt last night and am actually sore from the 20 minute workout. I better see some poundage gone when I weigh in on Monday.

Work has been very stressful and my boss is lucky that I like it so much. And I guess that I am lucky to have a job at all right now. Oh, yeah, I got "let go" from The Container Store for a bullshit reason. I'm going to miss the people and the extra cash, but it's probably best in the long run. Right?

what a match

Oh, and my rat is back - as of Friday night. I know this because Friday night is when Baer loudly chest-bumped the window (I swear, if he gains another pound or two, he will be able to break that window).

Let me explain how I have justified the existence of the rat and the fact that I am, in essence, feeding him:

• He has defeated poison and I refuse to set any sort of trap.
• I have changed the type of seed and the type of feeder and have zero (or close to zero) birdseed waste.
• I have been traveling too much to keep up with taking the feeder in at nights and won't take it down while I'm gone because the birds are dependent on the food.
• Maybe the rat is dependent on the food.
• He is not living on my porch, he's only visiting.
• He's not bothering anything on my porch except the feeder itself - he jumps directly onto it to eat.
• He's not trying to get into my apartment - and, maybe by keeping food outside, he will not want to come inside looking for food.
• Rats are squirrel-adjacent animals and I would feed a squirrel.
• He's a mammal and I anthropomorphize mammals to some extent.

See how easy that is?

I'm a loose bolt of a complete machine

I survived flying to Denver - and back home again, despite some pretty serious snow. I also attempted to snowboard - and had a blast. I'm going to have to seriously look into lessons...

I went home this weekend to help my mother with a dinner that we had with friends of the family, a married couple (K&B) and K's mom. It was fun, except for the fact that there were issues with EVERYTHING that I was responsible for. I made a cranberry-pecan loaf for K&B that was uncooked in the center (meaning I'm going to have to re-bake it before I go home this week), hidden pear salad that had some lumps in it (which wasn't a HUGE deal), dinner rolls that chose to not rise all day (but they did manage to get rise just in time), a cheese ball that I covered with slivered almonds that got completely screwed up on it's way out of the fridge (it did taste good, though), sausage balls that needed twice as long to cook as the recipe stated, and about a half of pitcher of tea that was brewed onto the counter when the pitcher got moved by accident. And my father refused to stop talking about politics with B when mom and K and I left the table, leaving K's mom there with him ranting - even when all of us asked him to pick another topic. Repeatedly. And he yelled at me and acted like a complete jerk when mom and I talked about my sister's current situation at the table - which did not go over well with me. Other than that, it was a nice evening.

Speaking of my sister, I think that my parents (well, to be fair, it's more my mom than my dad, but he flip-flops) have decided to give her a real ultimatum: do X or get out of the house by February 1 and all of the financial/emotional/childcare/transportation help ends. There has been a financially-motivated argument brewing between my mom and my sister for about a week or so, and things came to a head this weekend - and were brought up a few notches when we saw my older nephew (who was suspended from his disciplinary school for the past week) WITH FRIENDS in NORMAL CLOTHES (his room was supposed to be stripped of everything except school-approved uniforms) OUT seeing the Budweiser Clydesdales (which are AMAZING, by the way) and SPENDING MONEY. And he acted like an asshole to us in front of his friends. We (mom and dad and I) are always made out to be the bad guys and my sister wants to be his friend more than his mother.

So, I think Christmas will definitely be just me and my parents. And I'm done talking to my sister and giving her advice when she refuses to listen to any of it. I spent an hour at her house trying to talk some sense into her about the situation with mom and about my older nephew and I'm done. I'm also not going to contact the judge about my older nephew's upcoming court appearance, mostly because I feel like my sister's parenting (or lack thereof) has contributed to - not caused, but contributed to - his behavior problems. She needs to bear some of the responsibility, so let her speak for herself. And let her - FINALLY - suffer ALL of the consequences of her actions - - I think that's what will happen if she moves out, at least for a while. She's never been independent or really on her own. Even when she was married to jackASS, she had my parents to rely on for money and support.

If she moves out, which is what it's looking like, I think there will be long-term effects on the familial unit. I don't know... maybe that's not such a bad thing.

down on my knees

I fly to Denver today. And I had been so impressed with myself because I haven't been obsessing about the flight AT ALL. Until this morning. Because it is raining AND there is a tornado watch until 3:00 this afternoon. My flight leaves at 4:10. So now I am nervous.

Plus, I had trouble with Delta's site yesterday while trying to check in - first, it wouldn't accept my online payment for having to check a bag (why we don't get a free bag anymore is beyond me) and then, when I changed my seat to one that I am STILL unsure about whether it has a window (because it's an exit row) I couldn't change it back to my original seat because it wasn't available anymore. So now I'm worried that, once again, I'll be in a window seat with no window. (Which reminds me that I need to find my Dramamine when I finish up my packing.)

Couple all of that angst with the fact that I'm not done packing, and you get me in my current state of ball-of-nerves.

it gets harder to bloom

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells lately; I don't feel completely stable. I know part of it is that I need a good cry - I need to just take the time to watch a sad movie and cry, cry, cry. I know part of it is the weather making me feel lonely. I know part of it is the turmoil that my sister and her offspring tend to inject into the family mix (Z has "run away" from home a few times for a few hours and even coming home in handcuffs and leg shackles - and being told by the policeman that his mother can legally "kick his ass" - hasn't seemed to make any difference at all). I know part of it is that I need a vacation. I know a part of it is that I never feel financially secure. So, it's all of these little parts adding up to a very big something. Crying won't fix it, but I think it will take the edge off.

In other news, I'm heading to Denver tomorrow for a few days of training (me training other people) and, hopefully, some snowboarding with a co-worker out there. I'm not a very good skier and have been told that snowboarding may come to me more easily. I'm not so sure, but we shall see.

My boss has been in a terrible mood, so I'm just going to try to stay out of his way today and sneak in a listen to the leaked Fall Out Boy album.